Wow, those cactuses…no, cacti, right? Why do we insist on using Latin plurals for some words? There are people who care so much about every jagged edge of this language. “It’s not cactuses,” they’ll say. “It’s cacti!”And then they’ll get angry about some new jagged edge poking up. Language is all jagged edge and mess. Let go of the old mess, embrace the new mess.
Note to self: Never listen to Welcome to Night Vale while reading Batman Comics. You will get fic ideas and you will not be able to get rid of them.
I hope I didn’t make it seem like I was ripping off the podcast too much. Please enjoy. I may or may not write more and am very much open for ideas.
The radio spits and
hiss static before a calm and soothing Voice echoes from the speakers.
“An angst filled city where the skyscrapers reach to the
sky. The smog is thick. And where we all choke on the desperation of hopes and
dreams while people in capes fly over us at night; Welcome to Gotham.”
A soft piano is played
for several moments. It is both haunting and beautiful and for some reason you
are reminded of your grandmother. Even though your grandmother never had a
piano.
“Hello Listeners. I have been asked to start off this show
with a message from the Gotham Community College Council. The message is the
following:
‘You may have noticed that there is an out of place classroom
in building 3E that has a door plaque that says ‘Art in real life’. If you see
the classroom please do not enter it. The College Council is eight-four percent
sure that it is a portal to another dimension and would like to remind everyone
that accidently entering another dimension and not returning for several weeks
is not a good reason for absences nor for missing any tests. So please, leave
that classroom alone. The matter being investigated.’
And now for the news. The eight-car pile-up down by the GCPD
has been cleared away. Commissioner Gordon has released a statement saying that
no one was seriously harmed and the pile-up was with mostly parked cars with no
one in them. GCPD has arrested the persons who caused the crash but has not
released any details as to why the crash happened. Traffic in the area will now
resume its normal, slug like pace in the coming hour.
A new vigilante has appeared on Gotham’s Cape Scene this
month. Who is he and what does he want? Is he a vigilante? Or is he a rogue
pretending to be a vigilante? He wears a red helmet that in certain lights
looks like the head of a male genitalia and a very nice leather jacket. Unlike
most of the Cape Scene in Gotham, this young man uses an excessive number of
guns and bullets and has a habit of killing people. So far, the young man in
question has taken out several drug rings and has made himself the Crime
Overlord of Crime Alley.
A rather strange goal if you ask me. But hey, whatever
floats your boat Mr. Overlord. Whatever floats your boat. There has been no word on the street as of
yet if or when Batman will have his confrontation with the young man, that sources
say is called The Red Hood, but keep your eyes peeled and be prepared to duck
and cover if you see either of them! No one likes to be hit by a stray Batarang
after all. Or a bullet for that matter.
In more exciting news, The Riddler was defeated today by an eight-year-old
girl named Suzie. Little Suzie is an avid fan of puns, riddles and crossword
puzzles and was one of the many school children who were taken hostage at the museum
yesterday while on a school field trip. Before any of the Bats managed to even
break into the building, little Suzie not only completed all of the puzzles
that The Riddler had left, she also threw a several thousand-dollar statue at
the rogue’s head, knocking him out.
Nightwing spent at least five minutes crying with laughter
at the sight of little Suzie standing over The Riddler’s unconscious body in triumph.
Robin was the one who had to cuff The Riddler seeing as Nightwing was incapacitated
by his own laughter. Bruce Wayne, the owner of the statue used to knock out The
Riddler, has congratulated Suzie on her puzzle solving skills and good aim. The
billionaire has replaced the statue with another one from his collection and
has not asked for payment from anyone for the destruction of the last one. What
a great guy.
Let’s have a moment to talk about safety for a moment. In
the last few weeks there have been many sightings of what appears to be Ninjas.
But since they look very obvious and Ninja like, this presenter is slightly
hesitant to call them that. I mean, what kind of Ninja advertises that they are
a Ninja? I thought the whole idea of being a Ninja was to not be seen or
noticed?
Anyway. Safety. It is not a good not safe idea to heckle,
curse out or attack these strange Ninja people. They have been proven to be
armed and dangerous and are more than willing to leave you upside down on a
light post if you annoy them. So far there have been no deaths from these
strange Ninjas but it would be best to avoid them just in case.
And now, the weather:”
Instead of the weather
you hear a song about waiting for a bus in the rain. You are extremely confused
and have a very bad feeling that this song is going to be stuck in your head
for the rest of the week.
“Welcome back listeners.
One of the newest trends for the Gotham Twitter threads has
been ‘I’mtellingbatman’. And it has
been a hit. While it is completely unfounded whether or not Batman actually
reads these tweets, they are extremely funny and amusing to read. For instance,
this one is from R33ne_Moyt who said: Nightwing has been sitting on my roof
petting my cat for the last 10min. plz give her back. #i’mtellingbatman.
#ineedtofeedher. And here is another
one from 59oiler that said: Robin fell asleep eating a chilidog and is
now covered in it XD. #i’mtellingbatman #plzletthisboysleep.
I have to say, if you have twitter and the time I would
suggest you check it out. It will surely brighten your day.
Gotham City Mayoral Council has released a new statement
today about the upcoming election. The Statement released explains that the new
laws saying that you cannot run for mayor if you have committed serious
offences or have been a part of any major gang such as Black Mask’s or Joker’s
is in no way discriminatory. It is rather a precaution to ensure that they
person whom is chosen for Mayor is not a figure head for any gang leader or
rogue or that they are no planning to take over the city and rule as a dictator.
Gotham City has strict laws on dictatorship and with having certified insane
people ruling and or governing the city.
Our time is coming to an end listeners. Coming up next is
the relaxing hour of sweet and soft songs from the local worshipers of the
Green. Thank you, listeners. And Goodnight.”
The Voice is gone. And
all that is left is static once more. You are left wondering how you came
across this station in the first place.
Bedtime reblog
I’m already working on the Weather.
I love you.
I was honestly stuck on what I should have done for the weather when I was writing.
I have to say some it is sorta sad 80′s hairband but that’s great wind weather music.
Any and all suggestions are welcome. The fact that you are looking for them is the best.
I’ll post it on AO3 when it’s done and send you a link.
blackash26 